40 Freaking Years!

We’ve been married for 14,610 days. That’s 40 years, folks. I personally find this fact hard to believe. I mean, I barely feel 40 years old. How can we possibly have been married that long? Alas, according to our marriage certificate, the Gregorian calendar, and basic math, this fact seems to be true.

And because it is true, I feel like I’ve earned the right to share some wedded wisdom, and pass it on to all of you. If you’ve been married less than four decades, are engaged to be married, or will potentially consider marrying someone someday, then maybe this one’s for you. If you’ve been married more than 40 years, move on. There’s nothing to see here. Old news.

For those of you still reading, here it goes. First of all, I think it matters who you pick to be your other half. I lucked out in that department. I was lucky enough to find someone who puts up with all my idiosyncrasies and shortcomings, who believes in me even why I don’t believe in myself, and who picks me up when I don’t have the strength to do it myself. Everyone should be so lucky. 

Interestingly, people probably didn’t look at us forty years ago and say, “Now, there’s a match made in heaven”. It was more likely they said, “What in the hell are they doing together?”. I know for a fact that some people said, “It will never last”. Hello haters – 40 effing years together! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Sorry, I digress. So, what wisdom can I share beyond the fact that some people probably won’t (or didn’t) see the two of you together, didn’t see you as a good match? Let’s start with, marriage isn’t a walk in the park, and it’s definitely not for the fainthearted. It is a lot of work. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue, and I mean like nearly bite that sucker half off, because sometimes what you initially think you’d like to say will fuel a fire that’s already illogically raging out of control, and those words will be something you’ll regret later. So, hold your breath and count to ten before blurting out something you’ll wish you didn’t. Measure the worth of your words against the anticipated impact of them. Sometimes silence is best. And I don’t mean be a doormat. Hell to the no! Just understand timing is everything. 

Be there for your significant other through thick and thin. On that glorious day when we said I do (okay, maybe it wasn’t really a completely glorious day, since it was a very cold and snowy February day), we never could have imagined the things that would cross our path while on this journey together. We’ve navigated through some heavy stuff, life and death stuff, punch you right in the gut stuff we could never have seen coming. When you say “for better or worse”, I’m here to tell you there will be some worse. I know I could not have gotten through those days of “worse” without my husband by my side. In those times, the strength of your partner will be what pulls you through.

Laugh. For those of you who know my husband, you know this is a biggie for us. He makes me laugh every single day. Even when I don’t want to. He reminds me not to take myself too seriously. 

Give each other space. Go do your own things. When you’re reunited after you’ve been off doing your thing, you’ll feel refreshed. You’ll be thankful for the time apart. You’ll appreciate each other even more after having some time away from each other.
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Be honest and vulnerable. I’m a hot mess most of the time, and he’s often the only one who knows it. He keeps my secrets, lifts me up, and has seen me at my absolute worst. I can be my true self with him, I don’t have to be someone I’m not. He knows the ugly, unvarnished version of me and loves me anyway.

Make sacrifices. Alright, I hear the groans. But I think this is really important. We don’t eat just the foods that only one of us likes, or do all activities that are my favorite or his favorite, or only go to places that one of us loves, and so on. We compromise. We make sacrifices for each other. Love your significant other enough that you can push out of your comfort zone to do things that make them happy. For the record, I know more about sports, guns and hunting than I ever thought possible. He knows more about gardening (he can name almost all perennials now, and a lot of annuals too), and the onerous work of trying to become a published author, than he surely ever wanted to know.

Appreciate the little things, because the little things are really the big things. A forehead kiss, a reassuring hand squeeze, the grin that melts your heart, these things are precious. Relish in them, appreciate them, soak them in. 
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Lastly, don’t expect perfection. Long marriages are marathons full of the hard and heavy. They’re not perfect, but they’re real. Raw and real and come with warts and scars that you’ll overlook, because the end goal is being blessed enough to find someone who matters most. Someone who makes you smile, even when you don’t want to. Someone who fills your heart and soul, who appreciates both the best and worst version of you. Here’s to 40 more years for us. And yes, I know that would put us in our 100’s, but hey, you never know! Thanks to my husband for putting up with me for the last 14,610 days. They’ve been the best days of my life.