Finding Myself

It has been almost a month since my unanticipated breakup with corporate America. As I mentioned in my last blog post, the plan was to try and learn who I was without the tie to my job, to up my domestic goddess game, and spend more true quality time with friends and family.
While I’m still working to do all that, if I’m totally honest, I’m finding that I’m feeling a little lost. Not because there isn’t plenty to do to deliver on my plan, but I just don’t know this person who isn’t someone’s employee. Combine that with the uncertainty of what comes next and I just feel untethered, and tired, and maybe even a little sad. 
Don’t get me wrong, I am getting stuff done. My fitness app is sending me “what the hell is going on” messages as it detects more movement than ever before now that I’m no longer tied to my desk for ten plus hours a day. I’ve had more time to prepare decent meals and bake goodies. I’m going out to breakfast with my husband. And as planned, I’m spending more time working on my current book-in-progress. All wonderful things.
Yet, I’m having trouble “adjusting”, which seems so odd to me as I’ve always been a change agent, and typically an early adopter of all new things. But this change just feels off. My husband tells me I’m not giving it enough time. 
The reality is, I was totally immersed in my job. I worked so many hours and was thankful for my ability to juggle many different things and hopefully make a difference for my employees and my company. I liked looking back at the end of the workday and reflecting on all I had accomplished, pat myself on the back for the good fights I’d fought, and focus on what was top priority for the next day. Mulling over what I could have done better, even waking up in the middle of the night noodling through some work challenge I was facing. Now I find myself wondering how my team is doing, what’s going on with each person’s career, their mother, father, child, life. Was the advice I left them with at all helpful? Are they doing okay without me? I think this is what happens when you pour your entire self into your job. (Highly do not recommend). I think the transition would have been so much easier if I had been a coaster. If I just didn’t care. If it was just a job. If I had done the absolute minimum to get by.
So where do I go from here? It’s likely I need to just keep working through it; give myself grace when I’m feeling sad or tired or unmotivated. Pour my heart into my writing. Remind myself to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. Talk to people who are early in their careers and caution them to remember it’s just a job. That they can be replaced, and the company will still go on. Remind them that they must be true to themselves and know what brings them joy outside of their job. Encourage them to know and understand their non-career selves.
I think I need to make sure I continue to exercise and eat right. Because it does make me feel better, damn it! Even on those days I just want to curl up on the couch with a half a dozen cookies warm from the oven, or drink so many margaritas that the tequila and salt trucks start arriving at my door, I need to just keep going. I need to keep my fingers on my keyboard, let the thoughts flow out of my head, and just keep writing. Keep querying the books I’ve finished, polished and shined. Keep searching for the literary agent out there who will be my perfect match to help me get published. Keep my eyes on the prize. Squints and pictures her books on shelves of major retailers. And tell myself it’s okay that it’s taking me more time to adjust and figure things out than I had anticipated. That I don’t have to have all the answers, that it will all be okay.